Second last to none

I went to school early this morning, around 8am to finish an assignment that was due at 10am. The computer I was working on started going berserk, and then, well, I started crying. Sobbing actually. Not sure why. So I spent my day walking around with puffy eyes. I also fell asleep during one of my English classes (and when I say asleep, I mean my lights were out). Got home. Then, to comfort myself, I had two two-bite brownies. And now I'm watching Barefoot Contessa. I wonder if her husband minds that she always has male friends over. Sigh.

No wonder these people aren't married yet

This is from a Muslim hookup website My brother sent this to me a while back. Which really makes me wonder why he was on this site to begin with...since he's already married. Tips: BEFORE THE EVENT 1. Try to make sure that your breath and body odor are not a problem. Clean your teeth and tongue before coming to the event and/or use mints or an aromatic chewing gum to avoid bad breath. 2. Bathe before coming to the event, wear clean clothing, and use a good deodorant or body powder to avoid body odor. 3. Select the clothing you wear to the event carefully. Avoid stained clothes and clothes that have not been freshly laundered. Match the colors of what you are going to wear. Take the time to iron your clothes. Rumpled clothing can give the wrong impression. 4. If in evidence, make sure that your hair is well-groomed. If you are female and wear hijab, you will want to make sure that your scarf is clean, comfortable, and well-secured so that you do not have to spend a lot of time adjusting it during the event. 5. If you have facial hair (moustache, beard, goatee, etc.) make sure that it is well-groomed and free of lint or food particles. 6. Make sure that your socks and shoes are clean and pleasant smelling. Remember that we may break for prayers during the event, in which case, you will remove your shoes. If you have an issue with smelly feet there are several products you can buy in a drugstore to remedy this. 7. Avoid flashy clothes and jewelry and strong cologne/perfume. Less is more.

Yeah.

Hi. This was me for the past three days. (okay, slightly less cute than her. It's metaphorical!)

100 days of unadulterated fun

Yesterday was the 100th day at my sister's school (my sister, as in the teacher). So, they had this big party celebrating the 100th day and she commissioned me to volunteer so that the little monsters (err, children) wouldn't drive her totally insane. So, she had them decorate cupcakes. Even though I specifically told them not to mix the two types of icing together (chocolate and vanilla), I turned my head for just a minute and both icings instantaneously became a fusion of brown and white. Also, more sprinkles were on the floor and in their little unsanitary mouths than on the cupcakes. Here are some of the (much neater) examples: She also let them make necklaces with frootloops and yarn (everyone had to put 100 frootloops on their necklace). Here's mine: (Yes, I made one, okay!) But since I always insist on revelling in my "uniqueness"...I said "Aha! I will put 101 frootloops on mine instead of 100, like all the rest of you drones!" Needless to say, no one really noticed. It was interesting. Then today I spent the day at school like a fool. That rhymes. (On an unrelated note, if anyone has a computer they want to throw out or sell (for like, $40 or less), let me know.)

I have absolutely no idea.

Although one would like to think that Asmaa makes fun of people for pure pleasure and mental stimulation, she has been instructing the masses through her actions for as long as she has been around. From her first years as a foul-odoured toddler, Asmaa has been teaching lessons to her followers. For example, one should never feed a baby any chocolate products, lest they elicit derriere retaliation. Over the many years that Asmaa has been bestowing wisdom upon her fans, several incidents are noteworthy. The most intriguing example of this took place a few weeks ago at an undisclosed location. Although the details are sketchy, as Asmaa prefers a degree of anonymity, it is reported that she said "to bounce like a ball, one must be the ball." Of course, it is known that since the heart-wrenching 98' accident involving her beloved multi-coloured bouncy ball, Asmaa has been in mourning. The Paparazzi make it difficult for her to travel, but she has some tricks up her sleeve. One breathtaking instance of Asmaa's ability to chase away annoying photographers was the 2001 event known as "the running of the bulls." Although no one knows why it is called "the running of the bulls," it scarred the involved photographers for life. She is reported to have stepped out of her house, make a few rude remarks and spray the photographers with a home-made special blend she calls "Pepper spray." According to one of the victims, "The pepper spray hurt my eyes, but that was temporary. The pain I feel inside from her hurtful comments – that will last a lifetime." The photographers are now truck drivers, a job that does not involve interacting with many living beings. Oh my God. Somebody kill me please.

On Valentine's Day

Does anyone else find this little blog heart to be annoying? I need to retaliate against it somehow. Maybe this would help: The Pessimist's Mug In these irrationally exuberant times, it's getting harder and harder for the self-respecting pessimist to stay unhappy. So pervasive is the hope, so overwhelming the positivity, that without the firmest grip on your sullen perspective, you might actually lose it. Then one day, you wake up looking at the bright side, whistling some inane showtune, and generally annoying everyone around you. Fortunately, we've created a solution. Despair, Inc. is proud to introduce The Pessimist's Mug™ Specifically engineered by the chronically cynical pessimists of Despair Laboratories™, this crystal-clear mug will help all who drink from it to Stay Grounded™ by forever reminding them to see when the glass is half-empty. Fashioned by the perpetually miserable using the extremely rare silicon dioxide compound, fused at very high temperatures with borates or phosphates. DISCLAIMER: Product not compatible for use with plain milk. Drinkers should consider adding chocolate syrup to ensure compatibility.

Definitions of Which

Today was the day (see previous post). I'm sure I frightened many people with my reaction to the chocolate cake that I had (fits of uncontrollable laughter, tears of joy, and some good old fashioned hysteria). But they'll get over it. choc·o·late n. 1. Fermented, roasted, shelled, and ground cacao seeds, often combined with a sweetener or flavoring agent. 2. A beverage made by mixing water or milk with chocolate. 3. A small, chocolate-covered candy with a hard or soft center. And now, I pass out.

Hey, Lettuce tastes good, too!

Since December 31st I've been on a no-junk food life adjustment. Not a diet. So anyways, I told myself that I wouldn't have any junk food for 6 weeks and I'd drink 2 litres of water a day. A lot of people have been after me, asking why I was doing this. Which is why I tried to avoid telling people at all. Think about it, I was given this body as a trust and any trust should be taken care of properly. So far, I've been pretty successful but some of the results have not been pretty. Like, me chewing violently on my sweater while watching Barefoot Contessa on the Food Network making something chocolately with 10 cups of butter in it. Or, having to pee really badly in the middle of a test I was writing, on account of drinking a heck of a lot of water right before. In all seriousness, it has been an excellent implementation of will power, I didn't think I could do it, but I did (2 more days to go). I gave up something that I really loved and I didn't falter, mostly. Alhamdulillah. In any case, this Friday is the last day, so I'm in the process of planning what I should eat on Saturday. If you have any suggestions, let me know. (Suggestions should be anything comprised of or covered in chocolate.)

2am musings

Asmaa says: do you like whole wheat bread as much as your sister? Bob the builder says: i didnt know she really liked whole wheat bread Bob the builder says: but working upon the assumption that she does: i like white bread more Asmaa says: oh, blasphemy. Bob the builder says: why? you like whole wheat? Asmaa says: well...in that case, go make yourself some kind of sandwich in white bread then eat it and be merry. Asmaa says: I do like whole wheat. if you did too, then i'd tell you to make a whole wheat sandwich. Bob the builder says: hmm whole wheat tastes kinda funny...not that i cant eat it Bob the builder says: in fact, i ate a whole wheat sandwich yesterday because there was not white bread. and the day before that Asmaa says: fascinating. Asmaa says: oh forget it, this wasn't supposed to make sense anyways Bob the builder says: yeah, figures Asmaa says: how do you think I get over any stress? I just laugh at people who are confused over what I say. You should try it. Bob the builder says: sounds like a plan

Heat

...Whenever the Signs of (Allah) Most Gracious were rehearsed to them, they would fall down in prostrate adoration and in tears. But after them there followed a posterity who missed prayers and followed after lusts soon, then, will they face Destruction,- Except those who repent and believe, and work righteousness: for these will enter the Garden and will not be wronged in the least,- Gardens of Eternity, those which (Allah) Most Gracious has promised to His servants in the Unseen: for His promise must (necessarily) come to pass. They will not there hear any vain discourse, but only salutations of Peace: And they will have therein their sustenance, morning and evening. Such is the Garden which We give as an inheritance to those of Our servants who guard against Evil. (Surah Maryam 58-63)

You know when you're eating something that just doesn't taste right. Then you take another bite, silently hoping that it'll taste better than the last one... Then, all of a sudden, you're done eating, and you're like, whoah what just happened?