I guess it's because my interior is so vulnerable, that I deflect, deny, argue. Because when I'm wrong, it hurts in places I never knew existed. When I get cut down, I break down. When my work is belittled, I start believing that I'm useless, too.

I'm sad that I have to look for appreciation and understanding from people who don't mean as much to me as you.

haphazard

I'm currently in the midst of a 3-day visioning seminar. This one. Thus far I've realized that almost everything I have done in my life has been completely haphazard, for no higher goal really. For no spectacular ultimate vision. I'm disappointed in myself, and I'm wondering if I'll have the courage to do truly great things.

More on that later.

A brief summary of the year

In 2009, I:

Fell in love.

Bought 12 metropasses.

Got hooked on House.

Went from being a follower to a leader.

Realized that my chosen field may not be the right field for me.

Took 5 double-weekend, and 3 single-weekend courses on Islam, and still feel like I might never be close to God.

Went to Egypt and met my niece for the first time.

Got to see one of my best friends happily engaged.

Had my heart badly broken and clumsily splinted.

Complained to Allah.

Bought leather gloves and realized they don't keep my hands warm.

Wrote possibly the most painful, real post in my blog's history.

Opened one fortune cookie and regretted it.

Regretted at least 364 other things I can remember.

Was sad.

Still smiled.

Found that I had 500 facebook friends, but very few actual friends.

Cried a lot. Then laughed, then cried some more.

Will be going from age 23 to 24, God willing.

Perhaps 2010 brings something better.

boy

My brother and his wife came back from hajj yesterday. They were gone for a month, and they left my 1.5 year-old nephew Adam with us. He was crazy; pulling out eggs from the fridge, making sure everyone was awake by banging on our doors and screaming, drawing all over his face with permanent marker, etc.

He's gone now, and I miss him.

Hair Today, Guilty Tomorrow

I remember once when my younger sister was around 8 or 9 years old, we decided that I could cut her hair. I was probably around 15 or so. I don't think I got my mom's permission before I did it.

Well she looked normal before the haircut. After it, she looked like a mushroom head - because I decided to go creative and do "layers." Like so:


I think she looked in the mirror afterwards and realized her hair was exceedingly ugly. I felt bad and she tried to make me feel better. Even though I'm the one who ruined her hair.

You know when someone does something bad to you and they apologize profusely because they feel really bad about it - and you begin to feel guilty about their guilt, because it's excessive. It's weird that the roles get reversed like that. Humans are weird.

Either way, thank God her hair grew back. The end.

But also, someone really needs to kick me for the embarrassing lameness of this post's title.

Does anyone else find it ironic that "Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia" means the fear of long words?