I'll never forget my mom's face when she walked into my room last Friday and said "your brother is in intensive care."

He had made a trip to the emergency room earlier in the day with a lot of pain, but I just assumed it was because he had a bad fever for a week prior to being admitted to the hospital. A few hours later we got a call from my dad, who had taken him to the hospital, to tell us things were a lot more serious than we thought.

I can't describe to you the few days that followed - guilt, pain, shock, fear. Seeing someone so young, tall/hefty and healthy lying in a bed unable to even move onto his side; it's indescribable. It really is a pain that words can never adequately describe. It's so humbling to see the weakness in someone who has always been so strong - it reminds me that Allah (swt) is the Only One who is Al-Qawi, the Supremely Strong. The rest of creation is at His will.

My parents were (and are) at his side all the time, and I can't imagine the anguish parents must feel, seeing their child in such a compromised position. I think their hair has gotten whiter and their wrinkles deeper. What pain could I ever feel that would be comparable to theirs?

The doctors said he might not make it til morning, then they said he might lose the use of his legs completely. But a week later he's recovering slowly but surely - alhamdulillah, all praise is due to Allah, Al-Wahhab, the Greatest Bestower of gifts and blessings.

I can't help but think how close all of us are to death, but how little we've actually prepared for it.

Because apparently I have even more time on my hands than I thought...

Anyone interested in following my pithy attempts at staying healthy, feel free to check out my new blog: http://myfatnessdiary.blogspot.com/

It's like Randomly Placed, but fatter.

This is Eating Out

I'm the kind of person who will take a can of tuna with me to someplace that is crowded, pull out a manual can-opener, and eat it straight out of the can with a fork. To the chagrin and shame of those who are in my company.

I have not yet mastered the art of taking a pot of food out with me like some ingenious families do.

What?

Reinventing Asmaa

Since graduating from my Masters, I've been trying to figure out how to reinvent myself.

I'm no longer satisfied with the concept of just being a one dimensional being. I can't be contented with looking for a job and sending countless cover letters and resumes to people and places I'm barely interested in reading about, let alone working for/at. Most of all, I'm afraid to lead a life of irrelevance.

That is actually my greatest fear: to live and die without leaving any mark on this earth. You see, to have lived for nothing is akin to having not really existed.

I began my social work program because this fear had a stronghold on me. It gripped me in a way that I didn't understand up until now. And I truly believed that my field would enable me to make a difference in people's lives - it would help me feel relevant again.

Looking back on this mentality, I realize how flawed my entire thinking process was. It'll never be a field of practice or theory or a methodology that makes you relevant and memorable. It's you.

YOU make your field memorable. Not vice versa! I can live a life of relevance and beauty in so many different ways that I'm trying hard to narrow them down. If I can make my field of work relevant, that means I can make other fields and theories and methodologies and practices relevant, too!

Interestingly enough, historically we have admired those who break out of the mould and defy what's normally seen as "meaningful" work.

Which brings me to my final point - I want to reinvent myself because I don't fit into a mould. That's why I've been having trouble finding my footing and often feeling confused and unsure of how to be a catalyst for change.

I've got news for you. I make the mould.

why i'm fat

One day my little sister found me standing in the kitchen with a blank face, not doing anything. This is how the conversation went:

Nusaybah: "why are you just standing in the kitchen?"
Asmaa: "I'm not sure. I feel like I have unfinished business."

American Apparel's Beauty Code

Well then, I wonder what American Apparel would say about Hijabs.

on the nutritional value of coke zero

This is a pretty rose I got from a wedding.


I decided to put it in a bottle of Coke Zero instead of a vase.


This is the rose after a couple of days in said Coke Zero.


I conclude that Coke Zero will eventually kill you (perhaps in the night). So stop drinking it.

getting fat never tasted so good

I am currently eating a sandwich made up of the following:

2 Slices of bread

5 Black olives (ish)

Several strips of marble cheese.

A few slices of cucumber.

It is very yummy. I tried to lower my carb intake, as per my previous post. But to my utter dismay, I realized everything I love to eat has carbs in it. Everything. So I resorted back to eating whatever the hell I want.

I have to say, it's working quite well for me.

p.s. Merry July.