The longer I am away from working in my field, the less qualified and talented I feel. I'm in my 5th month of looking for a full-time job, and it's draining every bit of motivation and drive that I have.

But I guess there's always a silver lining. At least now I know what marshmallows in hot chocolate taste like, and what happens in Vampire Diaries.

Joy.

My greatest fear is to live a life of insignificance. I've thrown myself into so many projects, organizations, events; all in hopes of finding what I'm meant to do, who I'm meant to be.

But I still don't know, and not knowing comes with a kind of fragility and fear that I never wanted to feel. I've been so afraid to stop distracting myself with meaningless things in order to welcome the experience of discovery. Now I don't have a choice.

first white

When I was younger I thought when I was older
I wouldn’t want to be younger. But I do,
only because I feel it will free me from the pressure
to be spectacular and brilliant
and do something of meaning with my life.

I remember finding my first white in a public washroom 2 years ago
while glancing at myself over the sink. It was a quick glimmer in the light
that made me look closer. And there it was,
above my forehead, staring at me blankly as if to say
what did you expect?