I guess it's because my interior is so vulnerable, that I deflect, deny, argue. Because when I'm wrong, it hurts in places I never knew existed. When I get cut down, I break down. When my work is belittled, I start believing that I'm useless, too.

I'm sad that I have to look for appreciation and understanding from people who don't mean as much to me as you.

haphazard

I'm currently in the midst of a 3-day visioning seminar. This one. Thus far I've realized that almost everything I have done in my life has been completely haphazard, for no higher goal really. For no spectacular ultimate vision. I'm disappointed in myself, and I'm wondering if I'll have the courage to do truly great things.

More on that later.

A brief summary of the year

In 2009, I:

Fell in love.

Bought 12 metropasses.

Got hooked on House.

Went from being a follower to a leader.

Realized that my chosen field may not be the right field for me.

Took 5 double-weekend, and 3 single-weekend courses on Islam, and still feel like I might never be close to God.

Went to Egypt and met my niece for the first time.

Got to see one of my best friends happily engaged.

Had my heart badly broken and clumsily splinted.

Complained to Allah.

Bought leather gloves and realized they don't keep my hands warm.

Wrote possibly the most painful, real post in my blog's history.

Opened one fortune cookie and regretted it.

Regretted at least 364 other things I can remember.

Was sad.

Still smiled.

Found that I had 500 facebook friends, but very few actual friends.

Cried a lot. Then laughed, then cried some more.

Will be going from age 23 to 24, God willing.

Perhaps 2010 brings something better.

boy

My brother and his wife came back from hajj yesterday. They were gone for a month, and they left my 1.5 year-old nephew Adam with us. He was crazy; pulling out eggs from the fridge, making sure everyone was awake by banging on our doors and screaming, drawing all over his face with permanent marker, etc.

He's gone now, and I miss him.

Hair Today, Guilty Tomorrow

I remember once when my younger sister was around 8 or 9 years old, we decided that I could cut her hair. I was probably around 15 or so. I don't think I got my mom's permission before I did it.

Well she looked normal before the haircut. After it, she looked like a mushroom head - because I decided to go creative and do "layers." Like so:


I think she looked in the mirror afterwards and realized her hair was exceedingly ugly. I felt bad and she tried to make me feel better. Even though I'm the one who ruined her hair.

You know when someone does something bad to you and they apologize profusely because they feel really bad about it - and you begin to feel guilty about their guilt, because it's excessive. It's weird that the roles get reversed like that. Humans are weird.

Either way, thank God her hair grew back. The end.

But also, someone really needs to kick me for the embarrassing lameness of this post's title.

Does anyone else find it ironic that "Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia" means the fear of long words?

Guess I know why it's called "Swiss" cheese. It's full of holes.

So now Switzerland has banned mosque minarets. Has it banned other religious architecture? Nope - they're not even trying to maintain an image of objectivity. It kind of offends me that they're not trying harder to spare our feelings:

Supporters of a ban claimed that allowing minarets would represent the growth of an ideology and a legal system - Sharia law - which are incompatible with Swiss democracy.

They are afraid of what minarets say about a potential Islamic takeover. What can I say, their reasonings are flawless - in fact, I should've called up the Swiss government when I was afraid of the boogie man under my bed...they seem to have impeccable insight and logic.

These I think are the next things that will likely be banned in Switzerland and elsewhere around the world as whities attempt to subdue Islamic forces from taking over their lands:

1. Miswaks: because damn those Mozlems for have clean teeth by any other method than the correct, democratically produced combination of a toothbrush and toothpaste!

2. Sensible shoes for women: all Muslim women will be forced by Western nations to be "equal" to other women. They will now force Muslim women to wear all forms of liberating hooker-boot footwear.

3. Halal meat: only animals slaughtered by pagans will be allowed in Muslim markets, because uttering the basmalah on a cow is sooo last century.

4. Samosas and curry: frankly, they are an affront to our democratically selected bland ways of eating.

Other items may include, but are not limited to: Shib shibs/Chappal, thobes, basmati rice, olive oil, prayer beads (tasbih), and Quran CDs hanging from your rear view mirror.


Not to minimize the situation or anything...but frankly, a world without samosas scares me.

This is my Intelligence Quota of the Day

How do you define intelligence?

I was rummaging through some of my old things recently and I happened upon a series of notebooks where I had written poetry, thoughts, and reflections. They were actually very impressive - I haven't written really raw stuff like that in years. I also had a large collection of newspaper clippings (dating back almost 10 years) of stuff I was passionate (AKA angry) about.

And it made me start thinking about what "intelligence" really was. I would not have considered myself intelligent or enlightened as a teenager, but reflecting on the kinds of thoughts I put to paper and the things I cared about, I was a damn smart cookie.

We tend to dismiss young people and those amongst us seen as "uneducated" as somehow beneath our level of intelligence. Because at some point, some white guy defined intelligence as the ability to use the biggest words possible and understand language that only PhD students can wrangle with. If you're a math whiz, you're intelligent. If you need a calculator to do simple sums, you're dumb.

Well, I say screw that definition.

I'm going to use incorrect grammar and words that don't exist and still think I'm a brainer.

I'm going to finish my masters and still think I'm dumber than a doorknob.

I'm going to use a calculator to add 12 to 7 and still think I'm the smartest kid on the block.

I'm going to finish reading complicated texts cover to cover and still think bouncy balls and blowing bubbles is better.

Because intelligence isn't about what you can and can't do. Intelligence, to me, is a thought process. It's being courageous enough to believe in something and not back down from it unless you're proven to be wrong. Intelligence is knowing when to shut up. Intelligence is wisdom; and they can't be torn apart. Intelligence is recognizing God. Intelligence is being at peace with being different.

Entering a state of intelligence means you've realized you don't have to prove it to anyone.

I find it highly problematic that someone found my blog by googling "dont desire marriage muslim female."

For the Love

This makes me happy.