Tuesday, October 25, 2011

avoiding living so as not to make a Life

I've been avoiding living. And by living I mean, actually digging my heels into anything real in Egypt. I haven't enrolled in any classes, haven't made any friends, haven't said or done anything to make me accountable to anyone (besides my husband).

I didn't really do it on purpose. I just avoided doing real stuff and my conscious mind told me that it was because I was newly married - getting a hang of things like cooking, pleasing in-laws, etc. (yeah...right.) I kept using excuses until I finally stopped suppressing the real reason of avoidance. Well, I didn't want to stop - it all kind of just forcefully broke out of my subconscious mind.

I don't want to make a life here. I don't want any of this to be real. The more anchored I become here, the more it feels like the anchor will be too heavy to lift when I need to go home. For example, when I think about the slight possibility of making friends, my guard automatically goes up - because I already have friends at home.

And my guard is always up because people in Egypt are nosey in a major way. And everyone has an opinion. I understand that people who are close to you want to advise you, but it's often done in a way that's extremely pushy, and might I add, not only people who are close to you. Someone you just met might just tell you that you're living your life wrong. So yes, my guard is up in an exhausting way. Sometimes I just collapse under its weight and take a day or two to just be moody and not let anyone in.

And when I remember my parents and siblings, and all the babies that are related to me that I haven't seen in so long, my heart aches. And although my logical mind tells me that I should be where I am, how can it ever win an argument with my heart?

6 comments:

Alaa said...

"And although my logical mind tells me that I should be where I am, how can it ever win an argument with my heart?"

I'm so glad you started blogging again because I've really missed your way with words.

Anonymous said...

I have been following your rants about moving to the new Egypt; but let me asking you 1 simple question did not see this coming or what?

Living in denial is not good; this is something you wanted and you got it quit crying and start making little Egyptian babies.

Asmaa said...

Alaa, :)

Anon, when you start using semicolons correctly, I'll take what you're saying into consideration. Also, I'm entitled to my "rants" as you call them. If they irritate you to a point where you think it's okay to be vulgar, you're not obligated to read them.

Anonymous said...

C'mon ....Semicolons??..girl..really...anyway..they don't irritate me at all..but they make me feel sad to see you not happy AGAIN..that is all..maybe you should come back and stay with us for sometime...maybe mama, friends, long walk in the snow, or even Dollarama will help you a bit; winter is here anyway; I will find you a job at Loblaws; :o)

Nusaybah H said...

My goal in life is to become an amazing writer like you. I love you, my darling sister, and I agree with everything you wrote in this post. Especially the part where you said you don't want to make any friends. DON'T. I don't want anyone to replace me.

Love you
<3

Teacher S. said...

Darling, don't hold yourself back. For the sake of Allah. Make friends, take the good, leave the bad. Everything comes from Allah, and Allah has placed a situation in your hands, so you have two choices: squirm, whine, and be miserable; or sigh, accept that some things are cruddy, and CHOOSE to make yourself happy despite it. The believer's affairs are always good: when he is contented, he is thankful and it is good for him, when he is afflicted, he is patient, and it is good for him.
Remember: you choose your own attitude. No-one can make you feel anything you don't let yourself feel. Happiness is in YOUR hands - don't put it in other peoples'.

Oh, I'm not preaching, btw. Self-advising more or less. Been there, done that. :)

C'est tout.