Tuesday, October 30, 2012

swollen

These days I mostly think about how much I've disappointed myself, and probably lots of other people in my life. A large portion of my time is also spent wondering how I'll ever be a mother even half as good as mine. I don't know that I have it in me. I feel frazzled, I feel like my life is made up of a lot of loose ends that I can't seem to get tied together. My head is a messy bundle of misplaced thoughts, nothing more. I want to close my eyes and disappear to someplace better, less full of pain and stress and worry. I want to not be stuck.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Don't know about all the other people in your life, but personally, I know that you are truly an inspirational person. Be yourself and you can never let anyone down.

Will you be a mom that's as good as yours? Probably not. She's probably had more years of experience than you. :P But if you put in the time and the effort, why can't you be as good? Leave it with Allah. Allah will help you become the best. Allah gave you this child because He knows YOU have the ability to be a great mom for him.

And the beauty of it is, children always build their parents and other adults on pedestals. So even if you mess up, never admit your wrong, and your kid will grow up thinking he was a bad child. < I think that's what my parents did. haha

May Allah make it easy for you. <3

sara said...

I agree with Anonymous. Our parents didn't have all the answers, they had trial and error and lots of practise with multiple children. And they probably still made mistakes along the way.

I know that things are not settled right now, and they might not be for some time, but trust who you are as a person, trust that your wonderful mother raised you well, trust in Allah and things will make sense.

What I know about the birth of children is that they make things super complicated, but they also make things significantly simple. Generations of women have been doing what you are going to do, some have done it with well with no guidance or example from their parents, but end up with children who are fantastic and responsible adults.

I know I'm rambling, but my point is this: You will figure this out. Loose ends will get tied when they are supposed to. You have people who care immensely about you. You will have help.

Trust in that.

Hijaabi in the Rain said...

I'll give my thoughts even though I don't know you and I cant feel your pain . I'll give my thoughts with the hope tat something I say will resonate.

We spends most of our lives thinking and feeling silently and I have to conclusion that is our problem . Our thoughts are building up unnecessarily . Even Allah in the quran when he talks about the believers he mentions their belief then the righteous deeds they do . These emotions should drive us should push us to the point where we have to act upon them . Going with the example of imaan our imaan is such that it motivates us it burst through the holes in our heart into deeds like prayer and fasting.

Who said you need to knot the loose ends .What we need to do is lay out the loose ends in front of us and slowly but surely remove the ones that are too frayed and keeping the others in their place . Why are we always so intent on huge dreams and huge plans and we spend our whole lives trying to put together these tidbits of a string and we never seem to wake up and realize that the rope of Allah was next to us all the time . We , and by we I mean myself primarily , look so deep within ourselves that we become lost by our own darkness ...

I'm not sure where I'm going with this so I think its best to stop. Our souls have such a huge capacity that if left unexpressed spin maddeningly around in our head . Purify the intention and act it is ultimately what we were born to do .

Unknown said...

Everything gets tangled up from time to time, sometimes you just need to sit down and relax a moment. Work out the knots, enjoy things you haven't made time for lately, remember the ways you've made yourself and others proud. The bad times in life are only temporary. I always find that reading, occupying my mind, helps. Maybe it would help you, too.

In regards to parenting... One time you posted about cooking. How you started out unsure how to do it. You were hectic, made mistakes, and sometimes you needed help-- but now you cook all sorts of delicious things. Parenting is just like anything else. It takes time, practice, and patience.

You also talked about caring for others in your last post. You should never stop hoping for people to be better than they are, never, because that's when they'll have no reason to try. The fact you care if people help others, care what happens to people besides yourself, that's the key component of a mother, the part you can't always learn; Love and compassion.

Sh. Feisal (Umm Yahya) said...

Assalamualeikum,

Woo, uncomfortably familiar. Don't worry - we all go through this, and often enough!! :) Take a deep breath, say a few tasbeehs, and be kinder to yourself. Feel the anxiety, understand that you've been down that road, and let it pass. The worse negativity comes from our own harsh judgement of ourselves, but it's all a state of mind.

Note: it's shaitan's primary job to make you feel like hopeless crud, and to convince you that you will never be good enough, or worse, that you will let everyone down, and never get better. The critical point to note is that you must keep turning to Allah when you slip, having confidence that you want to do the right thing despite your failings, and will strive despite your mistakes: AND THAT's ALL ALLAH ASKS OF YOU! Anxiety comes from our own messed up expectations of ourselves based what we think we "should" be, and horribly unnecessary comparisons to others. Your only "should" is this: you should be a good Muslim, fulfill the rights of others, your family, and yourself. Note that doesn't include fancy displays of savvy wifehood/motherhood, wordly accolades, career achievements, or other glittering but ultimately unimportant "shoulds" we impose on ourselves.

You will be a great mom inshaAllah for sure, and why? Because you want to be, for Allah's sake. Bottom line: understand that you won't "get it right" immediately. But you'll do your best. And when you mess up: you'll ask Allah for help. And do better. :)