Wednesday, October 30, 2013

I dreamt I was swimming in the ocean with you, it was nighttime and the water and sky were dark, black. There was a light shining from above - I could see the shadows of fish and strange creatures lurking below the surface. But I wasn't afraid. We swam until we reached the shore of an island and entered the home that was there. Waking up from this dream was difficult. I wanted to hold on with everything I had, I wanted it to be real, I wanted to feel safe again instead of feeling like I'm floating in dangerous waters with no anchor.

Above all, my greatest fear is to forget. To go on as though my life wasn't touched by unselfish love. I fear waking up and looking Ruqaya and saying to myself my daughter is beautiful, instead of saying our daughter.

I fear I will go back to wanting everything right in this world and not caring about the next, or not carrying out something of significance. I fear that you will have died fighting against injustice, and I will die in my bed, contributing little to the world. I fear being ashamed on the day that people's faces will be dark and shamed. And looking at you from afar to see you under the shade of God's throne. I fear that all the pain of this world will not bring me closer to you, and closer to You.

I spend most of my days in fear now, fear that I am not doing enough, being enough, caring enough. I wish that my fear would be alleviated and that I could be free.

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