Thursday, July 09, 2009

Dying

Near the end of June, Neda was shot in the chest and died on the street. I watched the video of her death on youtube shortly after it was posted. I couldn't write about it til now because every time I thought about it, I felt nauseous and didn't have any of the right words. I still don't have the right words to express how the suddenness of her death affected me. Watch the video at your own risk.

For days afterwards I couldn't think about anything except dying. I kept picturing myself being hit by a car or being attacked and having my soul taken back from me in the middle of the street - with an audience, with very little dignity. Just suddenly, without warning, while I'm on my way home from work, or crossing the street to buy coffee. It could all be over in a matter of seconds. I would be only a sad memory to the people I love.

And I'm not ready. I know that no one will ever claim to be ready for death. But when I say I'm not ready, it's not because I'm too young, or because I haven't achieved the things I've aspired to. No, I'm too ashamed to die.

If I die now, in the middle of writing this post, I will be surprised if the angel of death wraps my soul in a sweet smelling cloth or calls me by beautiful names while we ascend towards the heavens. I will be surprised if my grave is made to be expansive, or I feel free from the shackles of this world.

If I die now, I have nothing to show Allah for my life. And I can't stand the thought that every pain I've felt in this world will not be relieved when my time runs out. I can't stand the thought that my sins may not be forgiven because of my insincerity and arrogance. How terrible does one have to be that Allah, the Most Merciful, the All-Forgiving, won't forgive his or her sins?

I'm not scared of death. Rather, I'm afraid that I won't get to see His face, that I won't get to breathe in the air of Jannah, that I won't be able to drink from Al-Kauthar so I'll never be thirsty again.

Our Lord, honour us in life and death, accept our silent repentances, ease our judgment and admit us into Your greatest honour of all - jannah.

6 comments:

Death horrifies me too.. said...

Ameen and thank you for this post.

I watched that video and I'm still extremely haunted by it. I think it was the look in her eyes before she died. May Allah have mercy on all of us and forgive our sins.

On the authority of Anas (may Allah be pleased with him), who said: I heard the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) say: Allah the Almighty said: "O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great at it."

Sometimes the distance between where you are and where you need to be seems so great and impossible to attain. We should focus on where we can make a positive change in our lives that would give us the most benefit(By eliminating/decreasing the bad deeds, and increasing the good deeds). Where do you think you're accumulating the most of your sins? Disobeying parents? Taking part in Interest? Having an innapropriate relationship with the opposite gender? Lying? Backbiting, etc..)

Make a committment to change one thing at a time and Allah can help you overcome the rest.

Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, "Allah says: 'I am just as My slave thinks I am, (i.e. I am able to do for him what he thinks I can do for him) and I am with him if He remembers Me. If he remembers Me in himself, I too, remember him in Myself; and if he remembers Me in a group of people, I remember him in a group that is better than they; and if he comes one span nearer to Me, I go one cubit nearer to him; and if he comes one cubit nearer to Me, I go a distance of two outstretched arms nearer to him; and if he comes to Me walking, I go to him running.' " Sahih Bukhari

“Verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest” (Surah Ra’d, 28).

I pray that Allah gives your heart rest.

Abdul said...

totally random, but i'll ask anyway...do you know nabil sultan by any chance?

he's my mentor...lol

Anonymous said...

Assalamu alaikum nerd bird!

I miss you!
Love & Duas,
fr:)

Asmaa said...

#1, thank you for the advice & dua.

Abdul, no I don't think I know him.

Fr, :)

'liya said...

Ameen to the dua at the end.

"No, I'm too ashamed to die." .. me too.

I think this is my favourite of all your posts, it really connected with me.

brotherhood said...

ameen!

subhanallah.. a beautiful post! jazakiallah for sharing!