Tuesday, July 25, 2006

"Sir, I'm so sorry to break this to you - you're suffering from lackofbearditis. This is serious indeed."

In advance: apologies for any offense caused, but well, I like to laugh and writing this made me laugh... A wise woman once said, "men with beards have not been created equal." And indeed, they have not. For some are hot while others are not. Now, the question of whether bearded men are generally hotter than non-bearded men has been a pertinent issue amongst the pseudo-scholars of Islam. In particular, abu ibn bint ukht Sagheeratul-arnab has been studying this issue for some time. This scholar is best known for his infamous fatwa on the impermissibility of the Ken doll.

After much questioning on the topic, he made it clear that "Islamically, this would be considered an Idol. Not only that, but presenting the female, I mean, male without a beard influences young boys. They do not want to grow their beards anymore! Plus, my wife said he looks like a woman."

Sagheeratul-arnab's controversial views do not change the fact that Ken does look like a woman. But, getting to the meat of the matter. For men who choose to grow their beards, there are guidelines as to which types of hair growth are the most advantageous in terms of hotness - and which types of hair growth are revolting. The OBL-type beard:

This type of facial hair sends off the message: "come close to me and I will strangle you with my beard, why you little...oh you're Muslim? Sorry, Assalaamu alaikum my esteemed brother." The Hillbilly/Idomo Guy Beard: These beards are just disturbing. I do not know why any man would grow a beard that makes his face look like an add-on/extra feature that doesn't belong with that big hairball.

The "Like, OMG, I am so original for growing a beard and smoking marijuana" Beard: The "I think I look cool because I have this little stubble that I didn't shave this morning" Cowardly Beard: The "I claim to have a beard, but it's really just a pencil-thin line of hair that happens to reside on my chin" Young Desi/Arab Beard: Like, why would you disgrace the name of beards by claiming to have a beard when all you have is some insignificant little facial hair that hasn't reached the league of beardom yet? It's very sad, really. (Sorry, random dude)

The "I grow my beard out of love for the sunnah" Coolness Beard: But wait. What about the men who simply cannot grow beards? How is it fair for those poor baby-faced men? It is not fair. The beard doctor humbly offers a solution similar to that of a prosthetic limb:

In all seriousness, I don't understand the reasoning behind Muslim men who don't grow beards. If you forget, for just a moment, the whole is-it-fardh-or-not discourse, you'll realize that it's a part of your identity as a Muslim male, just as hijab is a part of a Muslim woman's identity. So think about it - if you're happy and satisfied to be a Muslim, why are you afraid to show it?


olde woman said...

Assalamu aleikum,

Oh my Allah. Like, LOLZZZ. :D I guess it's time for all us closeted-beard-admirers to come out of the doctor's cabinet and Sunnah-tise everyone.

Wali's number? We don't care!
Till you sport some facial hair

Please don't stalk me.
And no offense to anyone, bearded or otherwise :)

'liya said...

Interesting. I just don't like men with beards though.

Anonymous said...

ha ha

Faraz said...

That made me laugh out loud... I completely forgot about the Idomo guy.

if you're happy and satisfied to be a Muslim, why are you afraid to show it?

I've asked that question often myself...the common argument I hear so often is that we don't need to grow beards because "it's only on the outside and what matters is what's on the inside". I never figured out why people keep on arguing about this; why not have both?

Squeeky said...

Assalaamu Alaikum :)

haha ... I liked Olde Woman's little rhyme there.

I think beards are nice. I wasn't a fan of them when I was younger but what did I know then. You're right, it's like our hijabs ... a clear representation of your Deen. And beards really do bring out the noor in a man's face, masha'Allah.

(my mission is to get my brother to grow one arrrggghhh *insha'Allah*)

ابدلرحیم said...

I wonder, where'd you get all the pictures from? And yup, beards are the way to go :-)

shakir said...

my arabic is bad but doesn't abu ibn bint ukht Sagheeratul-arnab mean something like:

Father of the son of the dauther of the small bunny rabbit?

what a cool name!

Anonymous said...

Close, you forgot the sister.

Father of the son of the dauther of the sister of the small bunny rabbit?

Nauman said...

Flat-out hilarious... and Shakir's work in translating the name made it even funnier!

My beard looks like the 'solution' that you presented... and they used real human hair! Cool!

Khadiijah said...


"Father of the son of the dauther of the small bunny rabbit?"

Funny post, lol

Nusaybah said...

Asmaa, you probably feel extremely special because everyone's commenting on how funny your post was. But this time, I gotta hand it to you, it was actually funny this time. Especially the name you made up, "abu ibn bint ukht Sagheeratul-arnab". How corny. By the way, this post is quite mean for men/boys who don't have beards that visit this blog daily. That's why I like it. :)

brotherhood said...

lol nice graphical descriptions :P

Meowmix said...

I fear no beard :)

Tasneem said...

Thank you for the lengthy post on beards and how cool they are! Finally someone who appreciates the hotness of a beard!

Safiyyah said...

LOL. Asmaa, I read this post, um, a few months back, and it's just as funny the second time 'round. Perhaps the other posts deserve another look too. ;-)

Asmaa said...

Olde, that rhyme was hilarious, though the truth of it sends shivers up my spine ;) haha.

'liya, to each his own :)

Faraz, hardly anyone remembers the Idomo guy, but he's still around. I remember weird things :S

Squeeky, yes I completely agree with you about it being a representation of a man's deen. I'm glad to see that you've matured :D

Abdul-Raheem, good ol' google!

Shakir & anon, yes. Not quite sure why I chose such a delusional name, but he's only a pseudo scholar, remember ;)

Nauman, so all this time I thought you had a real beard it was just a stick-on? That's despicable. Pfft.

Nusa, yes I do feel special okay. And making fun of beardless boys is my specialty!

Brotherhood, not sure if descriptions were 'graphic,' but thanks :P

Meowmix, me neither! Except maybe the OBL beard...

Tasneem, it's time for beard-admirers to come out of the proverbial closet as Olde Woman likes to say ;)

Safiyyah, I really have no idea what you're talking about. Seriously. So umm yeah, bye! >:)

Slave of Allah said...

LOL...that was so hilarious.

But i totally agree with the message of the post. Alhumdulillah we are Muslims and there should be no shyness in showing it. A beard is Waajib, yet we have brothers who walk around giving Fatwahs on that it's not.

But yea....my dad has that Desi/Arab beard.....sad part is that him and his friends only keep it for the sake of keeping it, without any relevance to the sunnah. :-(

nice post, overall

Idomo Guy said...

You can have a beard like me for only noinety-noine, noinety-noine.

Asmaa said...

Slave of Allah, glad to have entertained. The beard comes so highly recommended (some say it's fardh) - so the indication made when someone specifically chooses not to grow it, is that they don't care as much as they should about the sunnah. And yes, I know all the arguments that it's what's inside that counts more than the outside, etc. but the outside counts, too. Not that this had anything to do with your comment :D

Idomo guy, he talks just like that! :D

random dude said...

hey don't be hating on my beard asmaa.. or should i call you asama ??? hahahaha asama bin laden ..

Liam Saiful Din said...

Hilarious stuff:)

Al-Hajeji said...

asalamu alaykum....

I love this post! So original and funny and at the same time true.
I admire the OBL type of beard.
So far I have the "I think i am cool beard" it would take some time to reach the stage we admire.

I wish I thought of something like this.

Asmaa said...

Random Dude, oh you're just so hilarious. Asama Bin Laden. Hmm...actually that kind of works!

Liam, 3 thumbs up.

Al-Hajeji, thanks :) Wait, you have a cowardly beard? Tsk tsk, work on it some more :P

Slave of Allah said...

I remember i was listening to Sheikh Muhammad AlShareef bringing up a beard issue where described a conversation between two brothers, and it goes something like this:

Brother 1: Brother, if you are so knowledgeable, why don't you grow a beard according to the Sunnah?

Brother 2: My beard is in my heart.

Brother 1: Then you must have a very hairy chest.

HAHAHAHAHA...i thought that was pretty funny.

khadijeh said...

lol ASMAA!!!
i vote you start a new more recent beard post and it better be as entertaining as this one and contain many pix... hehe